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"Don't fall in love with him, Lisa", I warned myself. But the room was dark and my bed-sheets had not yet warmed me from my body heat.
If only he'd be less handsome, less intelligent. An ugly dude, a nonentity, a bookseller or someone else with that keen mind, those piercing eyes, that brilliant smile that seemed to be made for me alone. Instead he was gorgeous, he could have his pick of thousands of women. He could probably be passing the cold night with a call girl. The thought should have disgusted me but for some reason I imagined Richie - no, I had to think of him as a man. I imagined his gaze settling on some girls with beautiful shape and a larger -than-usual bosom.
"Her", he would say. "I want her tonight".
Stupid, very stupid of me to imagine that his desire, whatever inkling of it would persist long enough for him to purchase a substitute. I berated myself for that but still couldn't get the notion off my head.
He might be in bed with me at this very moment,. His hands would brush my breasts, like so. His lips would find not the palm of my hand, but my neck, my lips. There won't be hesitation, no interruption from my sister or just anybody. No holding back. There would be nothing but his rock-hard want.
His body would cover mine, and I would surrender to him. I would spread my legs, wrapping them around him. Those thoughts were enough to warm my bed, but once I started the imagery, I could not shut it off. It was my fingers between my legs, my own hand against my nipple. But I imagined him wanting me as much as I want him, taking me in my imagination the way I could never allow in real life. He plunged into me, hard; i shook as I brought myself to the brink. And when I came, biting my lip to keep myself from screaming, it was his face that I saw.
The bed was too hot for that, so hot that I threw back the blanket and let the cold air wash over me, honing my nipples to hard points once more. But the cold didn't bring the clarity I desperately needed.
I stood, crossed the room to the bathhouse and poured water from the tap. I splashed it across my face, the water was cold it brought shivers down my spine.
Maybe he had picked a woman tonight who looked exactly like me. Maybe he hadn't picked any woman but had went back to his empty flat and done to himself what I did to myself. The thought left me with a deep wistfulness.
"There are no its", I told myself sharply. This was reality that I had to accept. What had just happened in his house was the closest I'd come to making love with him. My throat tightened with yearning.
It doesn't matter.
I had learned long ago that my own emotions never mattered in some situation. Things are the way they are and would probably remain the same no matter how I felt about them. And this particular emotion, I really don't know how to deal with it. This one had sent me reeling far enough.
Still I fumbled with the bed-sheets, on other nights, I would have pulled them over and snuggled up to my teddy and dozed off but tonight, for the space time it took my heartbeat to return to normal, I sat on my bed and watched my fingers as if I was looking for some kind answer to all my troubles. I sat there until the clouds covered the moon and cut out all the light.
It was Saturday morning and there was the usual clean up. I was ransacking my room looking for where I carelessly dropped the last hair extension my mum gave to me. I needed to fix it because I've carried my natural hair for a while. It was high time I did something nice to change my look.
I was still on the verge of finding the human hair when my sister entered my room for petty amebo gist. As she was the person that reminded me I still had home last night, I wasn't surprised she came for queries. I actually expected it.
"I want full gist of what happened", she said merrily. God I have been waiting for morning to creep in so I'd come to your room to ask.
"Nothing big happened", I said.
"Okay, we kissed each other, I can't possibly forget that. it was deep but there wasn't more to it. I couldn't bring myself up to tell her how his fingers wandered off to my vajayjay. She will definitely bolt. I had to tell her the pleasant part so she doesn't get mad at me for already threading too deep with Richmond.
For what seemed like 10minutes, there was silence. The silence seemed to hold an edge now. I couldn't think of what thoughts would be going through her mind.
"I don't know what to say exactly but you need to thread softly Lisa, remember you haven't known him for long. He could be a heart-crusher for all I care and he can still be the best. I really don't want to discourage you because I can't recall the last time you were this happy but you still need to be cautious", she told me.
"I want him", I said loud. "And I don't trust myself around him", I said again.
My sister shrugged. "I didn't see this particular one coming ", she said with a flummoxed look.
"I know things are really happening fast, faster than they should but I'm telling you because I have no other person to talk to, no other sister to confide in" , I told her.
I have never been among the lucky girls that ends up with good best friends, I've always abhorred the thought after my sister's Bestie back- stabbed her, it hasn't been my thing ever since. Not like I don't have friends at all, of course I do but intimate issues like this should be revealed to someone you completely trust and that was my sister. She will always have my back in rough times maybe that's why we all do have big sisters.
"I trust you even if you don't trust yourself, all you need is to be extreme careful. Its not bad at all to feel but just do the right thing", she said as she walked out of my room leaving me to battle with my emotions and thoughts.
I didn't see Richie at all in the days that followed. I appreciated the space to have a rethink about the whole thing But it was impossible not to think of him. I kept on drifting from one silly thought to another. I even imagined walking around the beach area striding arm in arm with him. I haven't been to the beach with him but where that thought metamorphosed from, i couldn't fathom. I told myself it was all too sudden and yet found that i couldn't make myself to stop thinking of him. I kept remembering the feel of his hot lips on mine, the look in his eyes. I recalled his hands, warm on my body. How he twitched his cheek when he told me he wanted to be alone with me in his flat.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror one afternoon. "You", i told myself, "are an idiot".
My gray eyes stared back at me solemnly. Taunting me.
Of course we kept on with our phone calls and they were usually lengthy conversations. We also did video calls on Skype but it still felt like I won't be seeing him anytime soon. I know I've missed him terribly but I understood perfectly that he was very busy with work.
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